I've been recently diagnosed with Pathological Demand Avoidance—or PDA. By a doctor? No, by my girlfriend. So this is not a scientific assessment.
When she first said, "you might have PDA", my immediate reaction was, "WTF is PDA?" I thought it must be some pseudo-scientific concept-turned-TikTok trend. But I was intrigued...so I looked into it.
Turns out, PDA is a real thing. It's not a formal psychiatric condition that's recognized by the DSM-5 (the official diagnostic manual for mental health), but it's a pattern of behavior that's been studied by psychologists. So there's some scholarly merit to it. According to the Wikipedia article,
"[PDA] is a proposed behavioral profile characterized by an intense resistance to complying with requests or expectations and extreme efforts to avoid social demands."
Intense resistance to complying with requests or expectations...now that just sounds like the main complaint in every performance review I've ever gotten. I have a long rebellious streak, so I admit, I do not like being told what to do. So maybe I do have PDA...I read more about it.
(The rest of the quotes in this post are cribbed from conversations I had with Gemini about this subject.)
"This avoidance is often driven by a strong desire for autonomy and control."
Facts. In every test and survey about my personal values, autonomy, independence, self-direction--whatever you want to call it--always rises to the top. It's the undisputed king of my values. Looking back, so many of my life choices have been made--including this insensible quest to become a founder--on the basis of giving myself more freedom. Here's more:
"Individuals with PDA often employ a range of socially strategic methods to avoid demands. These can include: Making excuses, negotiating or trying to control the situation, procrastination, giving reasons why they "can't" do something, and withdrawing or escaping."
Embarrassingly, I have used all these methods many times, including in the context of my relationship (especially when it comes to being ordered to do the dishes). So you can see why my girlfriend thinks I have PDA.
"[PDA] is primarily understood as a response to intense anxiety related to the perceived loss of control or autonomy when faced with a demand. It's not typically seen as simple defiance or naughtiness."
I wouldn't describe the anxiety as "intense" but it does emerge when I'm faced with a social obligation I don't want to fulfill. So I do try to avoid putting myself in situations where I don't have to deal with the knots of anxiety in my stomach.
"PDA is most often discussed as a profile within the autism spectrum. Many individuals with PDA also meet the diagnostic criteria for autism."
Ok, that's not me. Although I've never been formally evaluated, I'm confident I'm not autistic.
But I do relate to this behavior quite strongly. But why? I've always known that autonomy is a major driving force in my life, and its the reason I don't like having a boss or even remotely being commanded to do something. But digging into PDA forced me to confront my pattern of avoidance, and the social discomfort I feel when I'm evading an unwanted request. I believe I owe this to my dislike of telling people "no".
At the risk of abusing the term "pathological", I'm a pathological people pleaser (PPP -- An unofficial acronym I just coined). So when my need for autonomy conflicts with my need to please others, I feel a pang of sharp anxiety. Like someone's trying to harshly wriggle the moisture from a cloth, except the cloth is my internal organs. So naturally, I tend to avoid situations that spur that pain.
This is obviously not healthy. I know that. It's a road that leads to poor interpersonal relationships and self-esteem. So how do I course-correct? Well, here are few ways I've found to make it easier to say no:
- "No" is a complete sentence: Sometimes I succumb to the pressure because I can't produce an acceptable excuse. But, I don't always have to justify my choice. Say "no", enjoy the ensuing awkward silence, and move on. Will some people take offense? Maybe. But I'll be grateful for enforcing a boundary.
- Options are not obligations: More often than not, when people want me to do something, they're really just giving me the option, which I confuse for an obligation. I'm worried about disappointing them, so I usually accept their request. But really, I'm being given a choice where declining doesn't result in any social repercussions.
- Remember, "you're going to die one day": Seriously, life is way too short to waste time doing things in a self-sacrificing manner just to be liked by others.
- Practice: Protecting your wants and needs is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. I haven't always successfully prioritized me over others, but over time, I'm getting better. And the more I do it, the more confidence I gain, and the easier it becomes (no more knife-twisting anxiety).
None of this is groundbreaking. There are so many tips, resources, and hacks out there for self-conscious people like me to strengthen our backbone. What might be useful to you is reflecting on whether you're exhibiting avoidant behavior because of your incapacity to say "no" to those around you. If so, you might have PDA. But you won't be alone. We could start a support group.